Dinner with the Devil (literally)
by wildlywalkingwest
Summary: Tenma and Johan have a conversation. Nothing is strange about this.


Tenma has just come back from his MSF trip to the Sudan. He drops his duffel bag (in memory of Grimmer) down on the floor of his nice little two-room apartment in Dusseldorf. Vaguely, he wonders if Johan is out of his coma yet.

"I wonder if Johan is out of his coma yet," he says. This is called foreshadowing. The more you know.

Tenma walks into his kitchen and almost throws up because Johan is casually sitting at his table. Tenma makes the face that everyone puts in gifs from like episode 3 or whatever.

"Hello, Doctor Tenma," says Johan. "Would you like some tea? The pot's already boiled."

"You were in a persistent vegetative state!" says Dr. Tenma, who is a doctor.

"How was your day?" says Johan, who is an Antichrist. "And, black or sugar? I take six sugars, just to piss off that guy Rosso, in case you were wondering." With a spoon, he spoons six spoonfuls of sugar into a teacup.

"I like my tea like I like my Johans - comatose," says Tenma. His self-inflicted guilty conscience makes him say strange things sometimes. He knows this is the case because he's a doctor.

"That's not a very sensible thing to say. It's also not very nice," says Johan. He knows this is the case because he's an Antichrist.

Tenma decides he's too tired to really care what's happening and he sits down at the table. Johan seems pleased. "See, let's just have a civil conversation over dinner. Perhaps we could discuss… the concept of existing only by means of the fact that others know our names that are useless to us as independent agents and that we are completely and beautifully alone in the world when our names are no longer known by anyone? #nominalism #metaphysics #existentialism #storyofmylife," says Johan.

"Why are you hashtagging?" asks Tenma, who is too poor to afford technology and who doesn't understand the struggle.

"I'm an intellectual," Johan explains, which doesn't explain anything. "Also, I've got a cake baking in the oven. Do you prefer frosted or unfrosted?"

"How long have you been here?" Tenma asks.

"Well, I like frosted." Johan takes the pot holder with the picture of the cat on it and pulls the cake out of the oven. "This should make for a nice dinner."

"Cakes are for dessert," says Tenma very sensibly. "And you should be eating better than that. Especially considering the whole coma thing."

"Who are you, my father?" Johan says with teenager-like disdain that appears all the more disdainful because he's incapable of feeling disdain because he's not very good with his feelings.

"That's what you said to me, pal." Tenma snaps his fingers in a Z-formation.

Johan takes a sip of the tea and almost spits it out. "I like the tea," he says honestly. Tenma is just as confused as you are.

"Alright, Johan, seriously," says Tenma. "What are you doing here?"

"No, I mean it. I like the tea," Johan repeats, blinking at Tenma with his gorgeous thick-lashed crystal-blue shimmering eyes of hell. Feeling inadequate in the presence of Johan's immense and effeminate beauty, Tenma realizes he's been wearing this shirt for the past week and wonders if his dry cleaning is done. It probably isn't.

"It's not," says Johan.

"How do you know that?" Tenma says. "Actually, better yet, how do you know what I'm thinking?"

"Well, I went to the dry cleaners' and I - well."

"No, Johan!" Tenma cries. He slams his fist into the table. "I thought you were done killing people!"

Johan looks kind of like he did in episode 73 when threatening to shoot Wim but a little less hopelessly, existentially demented and a little more offended. "And I thought you might trust me, Doctor," Johan says. "Considering all we've been through. I didn't kill the lady at the dry cleaners'. I was just asking her to take my measurements."

Tenma calms down. Then he doesn't. "Your - "

"I would've gone to Victoria's Secret, but that chain has an unhealthy obsession with lace. I can't have all that scratching up my skin. Especially not after the Proactiv regimen. God forbid." He takes another sip of the tea and again almost spits it out. Tenma is almost mesmerized by how completely expressionless Johan's face manages to be even when he's practically choking.

"Johan, as a medical professional, this is something that concerns me deeply; how much non-medicinal marijuana do you ingest on a regular basis?" Tenma asks. It's a very good question.

Johan looks closely at Tenma. Tenma knows not to stare too long into the kawaii desu abyss. "Doctor Tenma," Johan says. "Why don't you have the first slice of cake? And to answer your question, the answer is no." But that answer doesn't really answer the question.

Tenma is tempted by the cake, because it really looks very good, but he's also aware that the cake is probably made of cyanide and he doesn't feel like trying to pump his own stomach. Not after what happened last month. Or in his early childhood. "I'll pass," he says.

Johan tsk-tsks. "Don't be so suspicious, Doctor. It doesn't befit your occupation. And come to think of it, mine either. Do you have a cake knife?"

Tenma watches helplessly as Johan starts going through all his cabinets. "What exactly is your occupation, Johan?" he asks. "Actually, never mind."

"I forgot to wear a sweaterneck this morning," Johan comments. "And there's such a chill in the air. I hope you'll take care not to catch cold, Doctor."

"I know. I'm a doctor." Doctor Tenma pauses, rethinking. "Also it's a myth that you'll get sick by being out in the cold. And can I just - you never told me why you're here. This is awfully strange, Johan."

"Yes. I agree. Here it is." Johan waves the cake knife in the air. Tenma tries not to think that he's probably thinking of stabbing him. "In all honesty, though, I just wanted to pay you a visit. Is that so hard to believe?" Tenma looks dubious. "Well, I suppose on second thought it is. The truth is, Doctor, that I delight in the pleasure of your company."

This time it's Tenma who almost spits out his tea. "Are you for real, Johan?"

"Coincidentally, that question defines the whole of my character," says Johan, breaking the fourth wall with a sparkling cherry blossom Tamaki-like fanservice wink.

Tenma wonders if he should respond by ripping off his shirt and saying, "Two can play at that game," but then he remembers that since he's the main character he probably has the greater number of groupies. "I don't really care about that," he says instead, "but I do care that you're in my apartment right now and I didn't invite you in, so you had to pick my lock or something and that's pretty freaky. Not to mention the fact that you've slaughtered a countless number of people. That's also pretty freaky."

"It's all in the past, Doctor." Tenma is almost unbelieving of Johan's flippancy. "And in the interest of being honest - " Tenma scoffs at that, " - I did pick your lock. But frankly it wasn't a very hard lock to pick. That one's on you. Now please, I'm cutting the cake, so do you want the left side or the right side?"

Tenma wonders vaguely if that's really relevant. "Alright, look, we need some ground rules here. One, don't break into my apartment. Or if I get a house someday, don't break into that either. In fact, don't break into anyone's place of residence."

"Fair enough."

"Two, don't kill people or get other people to kill people or make other people kill themselves. Three, I know your sister forgave you, and it's pretty heavily implied that I did too being that I saved your life again - "

"Oh, I almost forgot. Thanks for that."

" - but both of us are still pretty pissed at you, so don't think we're just letting you get off with all you did. If you can't comply with these three simple things, then…" Tenma realizes it's pretty hard to threaten the Antichrist. "I don't know. So will you?"

Johan blinks. "Gosh, you really know how to lay down the law, Doctor." Tenma is disturbed by the fact that he's not being sarcastic. "I will."

"Really? Even the killing people thing?"

"Really, I have changed, Doctor. Yes."

"…Really?"

Johan raises a hand. "Would you like to pinky swear?"

"God no," Tenma says.

"Pity. Anyway," Johan finally takes a slice of the cake, "I suppose I'll go ahead and have the first taste since you obviously don't have any faith in me." Tenma watches apprehensively as Johan swallows and then shrugs. "See? I'm not choking on any cyanide," he says calmly.

"Okay," Tenma says. "Then I guess I'll have a slice as well."

Tenma waits expectantly. Johan frowns. "Get it yourself. I'm not your maid."

Tenma sighs. "I forgot the fourth ground rule. Don't be a douche. Because you're being one. As usual."

Like the balloon he got from that prostitute, Johan deflates. "You're right. I'm sorry."

Tenma almost has a heart attack. "…Okay."

Tenma woke up gasping in a tent in the Sudan. "That was one weird dream," he said. "Jesus."

"I think you mean the opposite of Jesus."

With a start, Tenma whipped around to see -

"Johan!"


End file.
